Saturday, August 11, 2001
Wiener Sniffer
Me: Ok, guys, we’re going out to eat, where do you want to go?
Sebastian: Wiener Sniffer.
(I believe he meant Weinerschnitzel)
Thursday, July 19, 2001
What’s Evil?
Dan and I were discussing the fact that Barney (big purple dinosaur) was evil. Sebastian, ever inquisitive, asked, “What’s evil, Daddy?” Dan, ever the smarty pants, replied, “Hold up your hand Sebastian. That’s evil.” We chuckled a little, but then Sebastian grumbled, “It doesn’t look evil.” He shook his hand several times, then smelled it and then in a very enlightened sort of way exclaimed, “Oh, it smells evil.”
Tuesday, July 10, 2001
Sunburn Germs
“Devon, don’t sit so close to me! I don’t want your sunburn germs!” Sebastian Frederick, age 4, worried that his brother’s sunburn might be communicable.
Friday, July 06, 2001
Oakland Zoo Trip Quotes
Today’s Oakland Zoo Trip Quotes:
“Is that where the fish live? In the green poison water?”—Sebastian Frederick, age 4
“Chocolate has drugs in it. Very bad drugs.” Sebastian Harder, age 6
Friday, June 29, 2001
Loving HusbandLately, I’ve entertained myself and the boys with discussing their possible futures.
Lately, I’ve entertained myself and the boys with discussing their possible futures. We talk about how many kids they want to have, what jobs they want, where they’ll live, what kind of cars they’ll drive or even what their future wives will be like. Devon insisted he wanted three kids and that they would all be breastfed by his wife. I asked him, “But Devon, what if your wife doesn’t want to breastfeed?” Without missing a beat, Devon informed me, “I’ll make my woman breastfeed the babies.”
Thursday, June 28, 2001
Magic Juice
When Devon was a little tyke I would often rub a little bit of lotion on his wounds to make it feel better. For the most part, it was a placebo effect much the same as a child demanding a Band-Aid for every scrape, bruise, bump and cut. Almost without fail, it worked wonderfully. Magically, one could even say. Soon, all lotion came to be known as “Magic Juice.” Devon would bump his shin or scrape an elbow and run to me begging for “Magic Juice” to make everything better.
Recently, Sebastian woke up in the wee hours of the morning crying and screaming, obviously in severe pain. Based on the hideous screams tearing forth from my wee child, I was sure that the poor thing was being flayed alive by gruesome creatures, or else he was being eaten from the inside out by some terrible chemical reaction caused by soy milk and crackers. When I rushed to his aid and begged him to tell me what the problem was, he insisted that his leg hurt.
As a child I suffered many excruciating leg aches and my parents were quick to dismiss my pain as imagination or some stall from going to bed. I refused to do that to Sebastian so I patiently spent several long minutes offering everything I could think of to make things right and to ease his pain. Cuddles, Tylenol, massaging the area, the heating pad and even ice packs were useless and only caused more turmoil. I was desperate enough to even offer a cookie in hopes of calming him down. No go.
Something stirred in my memory and I blurted out, “Let me put some Magic Juice on it!” Sebastian gave me an odd look and actually stopped crying. He said matter-of-factly, “There’s no such thing as magic.” (I suppose The Audience” told him to say that.)
“Sebastian,” I persisted, “There certainly is magic. There’s magic everywhere. What about flowers and trees? Aren’t they magic?”
Again, the deadpan look and a flat response of, “No. That’s just nature, Mommy. There is no such thing as magic.”
As a parent, I would truly like for my children to believe in magic, but more importantly, I believe in magic and I don’t want them to spoil it for me. I searched every inch of my brain for proof of magic and finally managed, “What about Santa Claus! Why he MUST be magic! How does he get all of those toys for boys and girls if not by magic?”
Sebastian yawned, curled up in his bed and answered, “He steals them from toy stores. That’s why you can’t return them for something better. Now can you stop talking, my leg wants to go to sleep.”
Wednesday, June 27, 2001
The Audience
The other day Sebastian hit his big brother for the zillionth time that day. It is a problem we have recently struggled with and while it has tapered off a great deal, it still concerns me. I had just pulled Sebastian aside and was considering what consequences I should apply to his behavior when, while trying to stall long enough to let my brain kick start for a magic solution, I said, “Sebastian, you need to control yourself.”
Sebastian, ever my little creative psychopath, threw himself against the wall and then onto the floor in a very dramatic display while responding, “I can’t! I’m not in control of myself!” It was horrifying seeing him like that, but also amusing in a very strange way. Of course, I did not, could not laugh. Instead I asked, “Well then, just who is in control?” This caught his attention. Children love explaining the truths of the world to their parents and Sebastian is among one of the greatest as far as explanations (read: excuses) go. He replied, “The audience.” When further prompted (the next day when I had time to chew his words over and thoroughly panic,) Sebastian explained that “The Audience” lives out past space, past heaven and it’s where you go when you die. He also explained that he used to be The Audience but then he got lost and was growing in my tummy and then he came out because he wanted a pretty mommy.
Uh huh. I think I am inclined to believe him. Why not?
Monday, June 25, 2001
Introduction
A little introduction. I am around kids all of the time, either my own or other people’s children. It’s hard not to overhear odd, funny or at least interesting comments, questions and observations from these little people and some of them deserve to be shared so I figured I’d offer a platform to share my little stories. I already have a couple lined up and will post those a little later as soon as I get the format and graphics right on this page.
